Saturday, May 15, 2010

What am I doing?

So I decided to get on the blog band wagon as a way to organise my thoughts and figure out what this life has in store for me, and to discover what exactly is me? This will probably only ever be a series of nonsensical ramblings as I put my many thoughts down in print, but I feel I need to get these thoughts out into the world as I start my journey.

I am heading down a new road of discovery and unknown adventures. I am a mother to 3 beautiful children whom I love and adore more than anything, but unfortunately who have turned life upside down and forced me to figure out my inner thoughts and the consequences of these. You see, I have Post Natal Depression and it has given me the clarity to reevaluate every aspect of my life, in a good way. Diagnosed after the birth of baby number two I happily took the anti-depressant medication I was given for almost 2.5 years thinking I was doing OK. Then a surprise came our way in the form of baby number 3 and that is when things started to rumble.

I have embarked on many tear filled discoveries. Making decisions to change my life, as well as that of my children. My husband, the adoring loving soul, is always by my side is helping me figure out the rest of our lives. It was him that coerced me into finally getting help for my PND that went beyond medication. It was him who supported me on the many days I called him at work in tears as I tried to cope with a crying baby, a mischievous and ever active 3 year old and a non-stop talking know-it-all 5 year old. Obviously in hind sight they were then and now normal children behaving in age-appropriate ways, but in the moment of melt down, nothing is EVER so clear. Bless him, he is a wonderful husband and father. This is something I don't say to him often enough, but hopefully I can change that.

I am not alone though. I am embarking on this journey with other's. I have undertaken a course in cognitive behavioral therapy in order to change my ways and consciously parent and interact with others. here I have met some truly wonderful women who like me, have been struck down with an illness when they least expect it. Remember, the media, celebrities and other "perfect" parent's say that it is supposed to be the happiest time of your life to bring life into this world and immediately love this little being. So together we are healing, getting better. One day at a time.

So here I am. 6 months post-birth of baby number three and on the search for me. Who am I now, how can I be a better mother, and what have I learnt from the last few years of turmoil and anger that encompassed me. I am now going to live consciously, and find me.

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